well it has been a long time since i did this but i figured id keep everyine updated... our house is one the market and we are steadily looking for a perfect house. everynight when i go to bed i think about what its going t be like to go to bed and wake up with warm weather, man i cant wait for those days. i am still a little emotional about the move but super excited. the only thing that makes it easier to pack up and go is my wonderful sister in law she has been such a help through the years and i couldnt imagine my life without her. she truly is a blessing in my life and no matter how i try i dont think i could ever find the words or actions to tell her how much i love her and value her in my life. she has helped me through so many events that have transpired. she was the perfect ear when i freaked out about my sissy being pregnant. for those that dont know its mot exactly a happy time not till she approaches her due date. but as with every other thing that happens we will get through this also. my sissy has always been my best friend and that has been the hardest part of leaving and now with her being pregnant was making it harder but after talking to her ahe has made it alot easier. she told me that she is excited for me to go and get some peace finally....NO MORE DRAMA!!!! god only knows i cant wait for that day.



on a lighter note xavier is still growing like a weed, before you know it hes going to be 6 foot tall. but no matter what he will always be my baby. i do have to brag about him, hes 10.5 and incredible i could never have asked for a better child. he is doing great in school, hasnt missed a day in two years, never gets in trouble, and is on the honor roll. he is so excited and cant wait to go to his new school and hang out with his aunt lacey and uncle tom. he loves those guys. everytime he gets to talk to eithe one of them his face just lights up. he tinks he is top shit when the send him something in the mail wether it be a card or a hew hoodie, to hime it makes no difference it just the fact that someone thought of him like that.

till later....me

what i am greatful for

so i just wanted to update everyone... we have been steadily remodeling our house to put it on the market to take off to sunny arizona. i cant wait for that to happen. the original plan was for the whole family to go but now it doesnt look like its going to be that way. its a little depressing especially since the reason isnt a good one but what can you do? but i am not going to let that stop me from moving to give my son a better future. i am completely excited to be given the chance at a new life a better life. the last blogs have been not such good ones so im going to do something different this time. i want to show my appreciation for those that care about me. first is my sissy... where to begin with that girl, she has always been the other half of me. always there to guide me and help me up when i fall but never to prevent my failures which i am greatful for. i have learned alot about strenght from her. i could never repay her for all she continues to do for me. she is my best friend. next is my punky pus she has shown me how to see things through different eyes. she always pushes forward when things get tough because being a handicapped child she has no other choice. she never thinks life is bad despite her handicap. next is my sister in law lacey she has shown me unconditional love. she and i had a bad spell at the begining of our friendship but overcame it and now lets see someone try to tear us apart. she came to my rescue when i thought about giving up. she helped me in so many ways i could never tell her how much she means to me. she even gave up a little peice of her birthday to listen to me freak out then stepped to the plate and stood up in my wedding as the matron of honor she was in the best place right between me and my sissy. next would be my newest sister amy jo she has taught me to smile even when things are screwed up and how to not get upset when someone breaks a promise. next is my best friend and adopted sister ( by all of the above) nicole where to begin with this one is tough she has taught everyone she meets how to love no matter what and that even though kind ness is usually walked on you must never let it go. she has also shown everyone how to love someone past the pain and how to be optimisitic through the bad. next is the best hubby ever he has taught me how to stand strong and how to fight for what i want. he has also taught me about forgivness, cause lord knows ive need to be forgiven and have had to forgive. next is my brother in law tommy he has taught me how to laugh with my heart. though things have been bad you still need to smile and push through them with courage. next is my daddy who has taught me how to live life for everyday, never pass up an opportunity, and never second guess your heart. next is my grandparents who have taught me how to keep family sacred. after all you may have all the money in the world but let your family fall to peices and you have nothing. next would be danny and jimmy who have taught me that you do have people willing to stick up for you and protect you till the end of time. and the best for last is my son xavier who has taught me courage, strength, love, compassion, understanding, hope, miracles, and the true meaning of life. that little boy has been there through everything, the good bad and ugly. he has never lost sight of what was important and meaningful. he had mad me mad, scared, happy, excited, and loved all at the same time. he truly is my reason for bieng here. he is the greatest thing i have ever done.
thank you to everyone who has touched my life in one way or another after all with out those memories i would not be the person i am today.
THANK YOU FOR BEING PART OF WHO I AM!!!

venting

i really need to vent and i feel that i really dont have anyone i can talk to right now because no one would talk to me with an open mind or without letting there opions get in the way. i guess my biggest problem is that im hurt, i know that im not the best person in the entire world but i do try to do right by everyone even if that means putting the things i want to the side. its like everytime i start to feel that things are going good i always end up getting kicked in the face with shit. for instance today people i thought loved me and cared about me showed me what i truly ment to them. im at a loss. i truly dont know what to do anymore. im tired of putting myself out there and doing everthing i have to do to make everyone elses life better and im the last person they think about or take into consideration when it comes to hurting me or my feelings. i wish i knew what i do wrong. it shouldnt bother me anymore since its gone on for years now, i must have had a complete mind loss to think that things would ever change. maybe i need to just go to a looney bin. and to think i was going to move away from those people in my life that wouldnt talk about me behind my back or try to hurt me in any way or those that if i ever needed anything that would be there in a heartbeat, to what the same shit out there that i have to deal with here. buzz no!!! and to think i was so excited and so quick with my decision, good thing im a think things through kind of girl. otherwise id be screwed, stuck 1800 miles away from people who would never turn on me even if they didnt like my opion on things. i was going to move from my sister who always has her door open to me and an ear ready to listen even when she tries to give a guilt trip to me about leaving which i totally get. i was just fed up with the stupid shit here and wanted a fresh start but i can see now that is never going to happen. i still havent even gotten one alone day with my hubby since we got married last june, how fucked up is that? but sure everyone says they are so happy for us finally getting married but they sure dont show it. i dont know what to do anymore. im ready to walk away from everything and everyone, just disappear. be gone like everyone wants but are to afraid to say. sometimes i really wish that i would have stayed gone when i had the opportunity. sure there have been some great times that i would not have wanted to miss out on but there is just too much bull shit to deal with and i can never find a releif.

we were trying to put our house on the market but had some trouble with our basement and got no help. it just never stops and i was told back in february to get rid of at least half of the stress in my life before it kills me and i made sure that i told those people in my life that claim they care about me but do you think they care, here ill answer that for you.....NO!!!! but enough rambling for now hopefully in a few days ill get to post another blog and with some luck it will be a better one.

im losing my mind

i cant wait for things to slow down, i dont know how much more of this i can take. there is always too much to do. i need to find time so i can really concentrate at finding my dream home, but with therapy for the hubby, trying to get insurance on my younger pregnant step-daughter, doing minor repairs around the house to be able to put it on the market, making dinner, driving everyone where they need to go and all the other crap i never feel that i have the time to look at all the things i need to find to make our move to our new lives out in sunny arizona. and to top it all off everyone tells me that they want to go with but no one wants to do any work to show that they are serious. maybe its just me but i cant do this much more. im ready to just give up on the dream we have.

xavier is almost as tall as i am. i cant believe that in less the 2 months my baby is going to be 10!! holy crap time really is flying by. he cant wait to move by his aunt lacey and unlce tommy. he dont really know what to think about being by the girls cause well they are girls. but he cant wait till him and his dad and uncle tommy can go fishing all the time. and well the only way i agreed to move was if i got a pool so he cant wait to go swimming with aunt lacey. when we went out there for our honeymoon xavier loved hanging out with everyone. so he excited to be able to do that again.

to update on the rest of the family elizabeth and mackenzie are doing good. snot nose is getting so big. vicky and carlos are now officially engaged ( he did it on the ferris wheel at the fair) and their baby should be due in march. so hopefully the baby shower will be in february or sooner depending on when we get to move. my hope was that we could be in arizona by then.

ill update more later

well to start off we are planning on moving across the country to beautiful arizona. it is very tough for me emotionaly because i will be moving far away from my sissy, my punky pus and my daddy but i am truly excited because i feel that it will be a new and fresh start for our family. im trying to look at it as an opportunity to give a great life to our children and grandchildren. im just scared right now and i know that things will be ok when we get out there. after all my hubby has always done what it takes to make our lived as enriched as they are today so i would trust him to take us there and make things even better then they are today. we also have family out there which makes this whole transitation alot easier. i at the same time feel blessed to be given this chance. the only thing i keep thinking in my head to keep me from freaking out is a saying that i believe to be 100% true: Love is not an emotion it is a sacrific so what are you truly ready to sacrific for the one you say you love.