venting

i really need to vent and i feel that i really dont have anyone i can talk to right now because no one would talk to me with an open mind or without letting there opions get in the way. i guess my biggest problem is that im hurt, i know that im not the best person in the entire world but i do try to do right by everyone even if that means putting the things i want to the side. its like everytime i start to feel that things are going good i always end up getting kicked in the face with shit. for instance today people i thought loved me and cared about me showed me what i truly ment to them. im at a loss. i truly dont know what to do anymore. im tired of putting myself out there and doing everthing i have to do to make everyone elses life better and im the last person they think about or take into consideration when it comes to hurting me or my feelings. i wish i knew what i do wrong. it shouldnt bother me anymore since its gone on for years now, i must have had a complete mind loss to think that things would ever change. maybe i need to just go to a looney bin. and to think i was going to move away from those people in my life that wouldnt talk about me behind my back or try to hurt me in any way or those that if i ever needed anything that would be there in a heartbeat, to what the same shit out there that i have to deal with here. buzz no!!! and to think i was so excited and so quick with my decision, good thing im a think things through kind of girl. otherwise id be screwed, stuck 1800 miles away from people who would never turn on me even if they didnt like my opion on things. i was going to move from my sister who always has her door open to me and an ear ready to listen even when she tries to give a guilt trip to me about leaving which i totally get. i was just fed up with the stupid shit here and wanted a fresh start but i can see now that is never going to happen. i still havent even gotten one alone day with my hubby since we got married last june, how fucked up is that? but sure everyone says they are so happy for us finally getting married but they sure dont show it. i dont know what to do anymore. im ready to walk away from everything and everyone, just disappear. be gone like everyone wants but are to afraid to say. sometimes i really wish that i would have stayed gone when i had the opportunity. sure there have been some great times that i would not have wanted to miss out on but there is just too much bull shit to deal with and i can never find a releif.

we were trying to put our house on the market but had some trouble with our basement and got no help. it just never stops and i was told back in february to get rid of at least half of the stress in my life before it kills me and i made sure that i told those people in my life that claim they care about me but do you think they care, here ill answer that for you.....NO!!!! but enough rambling for now hopefully in a few days ill get to post another blog and with some luck it will be a better one.