venting

i really need to vent and i feel that i really dont have anyone i can talk to right now because no one would talk to me with an open mind or without letting there opions get in the way. i guess my biggest problem is that im hurt, i know that im not the best person in the entire world but i do try to do right by everyone even if that means putting the things i want to the side. its like everytime i start to feel that things are going good i always end up getting kicked in the face with shit. for instance today people i thought loved me and cared about me showed me what i truly ment to them. im at a loss. i truly dont know what to do anymore. im tired of putting myself out there and doing everthing i have to do to make everyone elses life better and im the last person they think about or take into consideration when it comes to hurting me or my feelings. i wish i knew what i do wrong. it shouldnt bother me anymore since its gone on for years now, i must have had a complete mind loss to think that things would ever change. maybe i need to just go to a looney bin. and to think i was going to move away from those people in my life that wouldnt talk about me behind my back or try to hurt me in any way or those that if i ever needed anything that would be there in a heartbeat, to what the same shit out there that i have to deal with here. buzz no!!! and to think i was so excited and so quick with my decision, good thing im a think things through kind of girl. otherwise id be screwed, stuck 1800 miles away from people who would never turn on me even if they didnt like my opion on things. i was going to move from my sister who always has her door open to me and an ear ready to listen even when she tries to give a guilt trip to me about leaving which i totally get. i was just fed up with the stupid shit here and wanted a fresh start but i can see now that is never going to happen. i still havent even gotten one alone day with my hubby since we got married last june, how fucked up is that? but sure everyone says they are so happy for us finally getting married but they sure dont show it. i dont know what to do anymore. im ready to walk away from everything and everyone, just disappear. be gone like everyone wants but are to afraid to say. sometimes i really wish that i would have stayed gone when i had the opportunity. sure there have been some great times that i would not have wanted to miss out on but there is just too much bull shit to deal with and i can never find a releif.

we were trying to put our house on the market but had some trouble with our basement and got no help. it just never stops and i was told back in february to get rid of at least half of the stress in my life before it kills me and i made sure that i told those people in my life that claim they care about me but do you think they care, here ill answer that for you.....NO!!!! but enough rambling for now hopefully in a few days ill get to post another blog and with some luck it will be a better one.

im losing my mind

i cant wait for things to slow down, i dont know how much more of this i can take. there is always too much to do. i need to find time so i can really concentrate at finding my dream home, but with therapy for the hubby, trying to get insurance on my younger pregnant step-daughter, doing minor repairs around the house to be able to put it on the market, making dinner, driving everyone where they need to go and all the other crap i never feel that i have the time to look at all the things i need to find to make our move to our new lives out in sunny arizona. and to top it all off everyone tells me that they want to go with but no one wants to do any work to show that they are serious. maybe its just me but i cant do this much more. im ready to just give up on the dream we have.

xavier is almost as tall as i am. i cant believe that in less the 2 months my baby is going to be 10!! holy crap time really is flying by. he cant wait to move by his aunt lacey and unlce tommy. he dont really know what to think about being by the girls cause well they are girls. but he cant wait till him and his dad and uncle tommy can go fishing all the time. and well the only way i agreed to move was if i got a pool so he cant wait to go swimming with aunt lacey. when we went out there for our honeymoon xavier loved hanging out with everyone. so he excited to be able to do that again.

to update on the rest of the family elizabeth and mackenzie are doing good. snot nose is getting so big. vicky and carlos are now officially engaged ( he did it on the ferris wheel at the fair) and their baby should be due in march. so hopefully the baby shower will be in february or sooner depending on when we get to move. my hope was that we could be in arizona by then.

ill update more later